I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
