So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
