New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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