that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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