I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
