she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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