I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
