As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Ladies don't puke and tell
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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