GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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