well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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