I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize