Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
