I cockslap morals
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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