did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
she peed on how many people?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
