i jhust puked up my retainher.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize