Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
