my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize