it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
