Define "chronic" masturbator.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
