Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
