What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
