There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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