i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
