I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
