Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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