Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
