can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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