were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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