I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
