i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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