shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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