On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
