I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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