Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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