Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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