the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
