She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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