Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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