Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
