Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
