Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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