Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
