Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize