I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
