I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
