Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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