Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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