I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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