i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
