Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
