On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
