She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
