so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
