Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
