Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
